Searching For GOD In The Darkness Of Hurt

"Look, I'm trying to wash away my sins

I've got a group of loved ones that ain't my friends

& if I ever take an L, then they might grin

& They all wanna see me stay in the cage I'm in

So when it comes to anybody there's no trust for no one, man, so what? 

My whole plans to go nuts 

My shoulders ready for more shrugs

I'm gon' judge, anybody trying to enter my circle with no love." 

This is a portion of Hopsin's verse on the song "Lost" which he performs with NF (https://youtu.be/fxrkhf17fU0) This verse has been a source of great therapy for my soul in the past year, not because I endorse it as truth to be clung to, but rather because it has, at times, perfectly summarized the way I felt. These feelings have arisen from a season of life which has been apart of mine & my family's experience for the last several years, having had the blessing of multiple close relationships, only to have them successively end in conflict, disenchantment, and eventually, abandonment. These were folks I loved deeply, served sacrificially, and trusted with valuable collateral. For various reasons, though we used to speak daily, there is currently no or only superficial interaction between us. Now it would be dishonest and obtuse to not recognize my own contributions to these breaks in community, but the point of this is not to assign blame, but instead to explore how conflict with others can affect our view of GOD. 

Regardless of who is at fault, this has been a season of consistently increasing pain in relationships for me. This is by no means the most tragic life circumstance someone could endure, but it is a painful one & try as I might to cling to the hope of grace, and to think from the good I know to be true, I have admittedly fallen regularly into seasons of deep doubt, anger, & despair over these broken communities affecting both my view of GOD and my ability to move forward in health with other relationships.   

Diagnosing the problem

I have observed in myself & others, that we often relate our relationship with GOD to our relationships with others. Because of this we also often view GOD through the lens of relational hurt we have encountered from others. The person who was abused or abandoned by a parent, struggles to have a healthy view of GOD as a Father, the disrespected or disregarded wife struggles to see GOD as her protector, & those who have been taken advantage of by opportunistic & oppressive religious leaders struggle to give themselves over to GOD in faithful obedience to his revealed direction. This is because this lens we view the world through blurs or darkens our understanding of GOD and because everything around us (relationships included) is meant to point to his glory (Romans 1:18-20), we distort our experience of reality also. In this distortion, we may find it very difficult to know how to go forward because everywhere we step seems to have the potential for hurt, & sometime it is easier to remain in the hurt already experienced then to walk forward into the unknown hurt to come. This leaves us stuck, both in our human relationships & our relationships with GOD, unable to grow for fear of it hurting. But growth is a major attribute of life so, since our LORD has conquered death, how do we go forward? 

During this time, as I have felt the darkness of these deceptive emotions grip tightly around my own heart & mind, I have, like so many others tried to navigate forward in attempts to return to the optimistic outlook I once enjoyed before the onset of these agonizing losses. I have not found my way by self focused naval gazing, I have not found my way by emptying my mind, I have not been given peace by returning wrath for hurt, the only light of truth I have experienced in these times is the knowledge of GOD (meaning both revelation & relationship) & a greater understanding of man's condition, which have been revealed in his word. (How cliché', right? )  Now when I say that, it may sound like I simply read a Bible verse & felt better, or heard a sermon and instantly had a clear & cheery disposition. As if encountering a couple of words, instantly the sun shined, the birds sang, and tulips sprouted from between my toenails. No. No. No, it was much more complicated, drawn out, and difficult than that. In fact in the midst of these trials, the discovery & rediscovery of precious truths has been more akin to a cheap flashlight, showing dimly just enough of GOD's truth, grace & sovereignty in the path ahead to brave a single step forward on the trail lined with the shifting gravel of uncertainty. These were intense cycles of hurting, reading, re-reading, listening, contemplating, re-listening, remembering, forgetting, self coping, re-remembering, believing and eventually (for a time) resting in who GOD is, even in the midst of being reminded consistently who fallen man is also...myself included. This is a work of GOD in the heart of his beloved son, not a home remedy. This miracle requires two things, an assurance that I have not been forsaken or put here by accident and a GOD who's love & truth can be bright enough to shine in dark places. GOD has orchestrated these moments, that we may discover his consistent goodness in the inconsistency of life.

"Therefore it is the fear of, relationship with, and the joy in him that illuminates my path as I wander out of the onyx wilderness of broken relationships."

An unexpected gift

In all of this I have experienced what I believe to be the infancy (read: not fully formed) of a great gift, that being the gift being implanted in me of being both more resilient toward relational hardship & more compassionate toward the brokenhearted in my sphere. This gift, as all others do, finds it's source in the character & nature of GOD. Therefore it is the fear of, relationship with, & the joy in him that illuminates my path as I wander out of the onyx wilderness of broken relationships. My only trepidation is that because I believe this gift to be still in it's infancy, there may be more devastating experiences and broken relationships which hide the truth, cloud my mind, and trouble my soul, for this great gift to come to mature in adulthood. Romans 8:28 tells me that even this trouble is for my good, which is so much easier to read to others than it is to have read to you in times of deep hurt. 

It is with that acknowledgement that I write this post. For you to read now if you are in need of it's message, and potentially for both of us to read later when the need arises again. In hopes that you & I will turn our fears into faith & search for the dimly lit path to freedom gifted to us through our relationship with GOD, when we stumble around in the dark because of our relationship with others. 

I leave you with the words of two men both in situations where their heart needed to have the truth of GOD declared to it in perilous moments and also some questions for your own contemplation. 

First, the words of David, a man betrayed & abandoned in Psalm 34. Notice the justice, generosity, protectiveness, & wisdom of GOD. 

Taste and see that the Lord is good.

11 Come, children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

12 Who is someone who desires life,

loving a long life to enjoy what is good?

13 Keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from deceitful speech.

14 Turn away from evil and do what is good;

seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,

and his ears are open to their cry for help.

16 The face of the Lord is set

against those who do what is evil,

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,

and rescues them from all their troubles.

18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted;

he saves those crushed in spirit.

19 One who is righteous has many adversities,

but the Lord rescues him from them all.

20 He protects all his bones;

not one of them is broken.

21 Evil brings death to the wicked,

and those who hate the righteous will be punished.

22 The Lord redeems the life of his servants,

and all who take refuge in him will not be punished.

Second the words of JESUS as he faces what is the most gruesome & unjust death in all of human history, as well as the betrayal & the abandonment of those he loved most in Matthew 26. Notice that he invited others to pray with him in his anguish, but had to seek GOD alone, yet he still has full submission and trust for the FATHER's will in his time of trouble. 

36 Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he told the disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” 37 Taking along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 He said to them, “I am deeply grieved to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake with me.” 39 Going a little farther, he fell facedown and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

40 Then he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He asked Peter, “So, couldn’t you stay awake with me one hour? 41 Stay awake and pray, so that you won’t enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

42 Again, a second time, he went away and prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 And he came again and found them sleeping, because they could not keep their eyes open.

My question for you & me to contemplate:

What was JESUS' conviction in the midst of deep grief?

Has the deep hurt others have caused you changed who GOD is? What defines that for you? 

Is it possible your perception of his character & nature has been distorted through this experience? 

Have you been honest with yourself and others how you have felt through this season? 

Can you properly discern between your feelings & what is true?  What holds authority in your life? 

If you are unsure or answer no to the previous question, who could you trust to lead you to truth in this time?